Pug Bestiary

In 2018, I decided I was going to become the world's only Pug Oracle. I moved to the countryside and started gathering pugs from all over the world. On this page, I will catalog some of my many pugs and their wonderful personalities which tickle me pink often.

No. 4 - Malfeasius

Nickname: Drone Strike

Weakness: Strong wind currents

When I decided to become a Pug Oracle and bought my property, it didn't take long before other people became a problem. Having pugs all over my land brought me numerous unwanted visitors and intruders, like young children, drug addicts, and the IRS. I realized quickly that I had to have some protection. I was already starting to gather a lot of pugs, so I had plenty of brothers and sisters to enlist. Most of the pugs written about here are part of this Pug Militia. Malfeasius was my first experiment, and he's done a great job.

He's an ordinary pug who I control by myself during our self-defense incidents. I do this by strapping him to a drone and flying him directly at the enemy's head. The drone has extremely sharp propellers. In the early days, before I could afford a security camera system, I would strap a GoPro to his chest and fly him 50 feet in the air. I still do this to my neighbors when they threaten my peace.

On Halloween, I send him up in the air with candy to drop all over the neighborhood.

No. 16 - Kamikaze-kun

Nickname: California Roll

Weakness: The looming threat of death

One day, as I was toiling away at my field, an unknown pug walked onto the property. His fur was matted and unclean, his tail was straight down, and his snout was covered in snoutcrust. I could tell he was really dehydrated, because I could see an incredibly long tongue hanging out of his skull. Instead of walking like a normal dog, he hobbled, with his front legs trampling repeatedly on his brittle colorless Fruit by the Foot tongue.

One thing you'll learn about me is that I am always welcoming to new creatures in my ecosystem, as long as they are not human or demonic. I patiently let him roam. The free range pugs introduced themselves to him, as they're trained to do when something enters my realm. I always make sure to stop, take pride in the moment, and smile when this happens. But, as I was watching, a few of the free range pugs started to come trotting my way. Something was off about him, they told me. I scolded at them that they should stop being judgmental towards strangers, and to let the disgusting hobo drink from the pond.

I then sent my friendliest pugs to keep him company and give him a tour of our world. They guided him to our little pond, which is always clean and bustling with healthy fish. This new crusty pug whipped his head back and violently threw his tongue into the water like a fisherman protracting a rod. All was well for some time, and I was given plenty of time to till the soil as I watched the new pug stand there with his tongue sitting inanimately in the water. It seemed like everything would be fine. But then, even three of these friendly pugs came back to me and communicated that something was off. Arrogrant brute that I was back then, I rebuked them for their intolerance and decided I would welcome him myself.

I walked over to the pug. “Hello!” No response whatsoever. That's strange, I thought. I've never met a pug who didn't instantly shower me with love. He must be on the spectrum, which is fine. I stuck my finger in front of his nose, making sure not to look him in the eye because I thought he might be on the spectrum, which is fine. He didn't sniff. He didn't do anything, actually. Okay. I made a sudden, terrifying and fast movement. No response. Interesting. I reached in my pocket and pulled out my trusty air horn. I set it off in his ear, which was glued to his skull by a thick clay-like substance. No response. He must be deaf.

Tired of not being acknowledged, I picked him up, slowly lifting him. I was planning to shake him violently, but before he was even a foot off the ground I noticed something about his tongue. Instead of being dry like it was before, it was slimy and oily, like an eel. Wary, I pulled him a little higher to see a dead koifish hanging from it by its tail, dangling like a piece of seaweed. What in tarnation? I hadn't realized that during his tongue's time in my pond, everything was attaching itself to it. I pulled him higher and higher, and watched as an endless stream of disgusting upside down fish corpses and tadpoles rose out of the water, glued to his eel tongue. This kept going until I was holding him well-above my head. I was too shocked for words. I was even more shocked when his tongue began to curl up, receding back into his mouth in the span of two seconds. I watched him swallow all that seafood without chewing. He opened his mouth in relief. I dropped him on the ground. His tongue was pink and had become normal and short like a regular dog. His gait transformed, looking new and confident, and his fur was clean and shiny. Oooh, wooooow! Wooow!

I watched him shake his head as if he had been wet, and two rabbit-like ears cropped up from his cranium. I was tickled. This was no pug, but a French Bulldog! So no, my pugs weren't being 'cautious'. They were racist.

Speaking of racism, I normally don't let non-pugs in my army, but that's only because I'm indifferent to other dogs. But I was so amazed by this little guy, and knew I had a moral obligation to help a brother down on his luck, so I decided to keep him. I told him if he would teach the pugs to stop being racist, I would let him stay, and maybe even let him join the Defense Force. Two days later, the pugs became tolerant, earning him a place in the militia.

Unfortunately, I realized I couldn't train him to fight the way I could train a pug. But I had already promised him. I wanted to make sure he felt the warmth of being part of our family, so I strapped a bomb to his back. Keeping his love of seafood in mind, I put the explosive in a little backpack that looks like a sushi roll. Cute!

To keep him safe, I've made sure to have obstructions in place so he can't just detonate any time he wants. Realistically, he can only do it one time, and going off at the wrong opportunity would be a waste. So I recruited two of my free-range pugs into the militia for the sole purpose of detonating the suicide bomber ethically.

No. 19 - The Pugbull

Nickname: Crimeboss

Weakness: Nothing

In 1996, the US Government launched the United States Special Nanny Unit (USSNU), an illegal department tasked with creating canines of mass destruction using American Pit Bull Terriers. The program ran for almost a quarter of a century before being disbanded by President Joe Biden in an attempt to curb government spending. It was one of the first programs to go, as most US citizens (over 95% according to The Daily Beast) considered it a waste of taxpayer money. It was deemed especially controversial due to its nonsenical use of the safest dog breed to engineer dangerous creatures.

In 2020, the department established their most ambitious experiment: breeding pit bulls and pugs together. It is unknown why they elected to go with pugs, but many theorize that it was an attempt to 'shorten' the dog, which would help it to be less long.

Because funding was near non-existent at this time due to something called COVID-19, this experiment – like all of the ones before it, was very stringent, with the Director of Operations making sure there was 'no room for error'. They even went as far as to force the Pug Dog Club of America to send them 'batch[es] of their most indestructible pugs.' Unfortunately, due to restrictions at the time, they could only send over two pugs for the experiment, one of which died trying to eat a packing peanut during shipping.

One day in March 2021, shortly after the unit was dissolved, a helicopter flew over my house and dropped the pugbull into my yard. I don't know why they entrusted me with him, but I can only assume it is because I am the world's leading authority on pugs and pug paraphernalia.

What's interesting about this guy is he actually has gills, if you can believe that. I think they did this to compensate for the pug's poor breathing skill. This is genius in my opinion, and is the first actual solution to that problem I've encountered. This was possible because this dog was made by genetic engineering, which was most likely done to placate the public's unease regarding the ethics and practicality of grotesque pug-pitbull intercourse.

Unfortunately, it is currently unknown what happened to the rest of the USSNU experiments, but I imagine by now most of them are dead.

No. 25 - Krubutkrubut

Nickname: The Vile Ones

When I'm raising pugs, I put great care into making sure they get individual attention. This goes for feeding, affection, punishment, and bathing. Everybody gets individual treatment. However, when these two pugs were born (from the same litter), they were so inseparable that I couldn't bathe them individually. This was not acceptable to me and disrupted my routine, so I neglected to bathe them at all. The combination of them constantly sharing body heat and not bathing eventually caused these two to emit a nasty odor, which was exacerbated by their unhealthy codependence. I wanted to use this for war, so I poked a couple tiny (ethical) holes in their necks and planted seeds in there while they slept. With the help of a special collar from Home Depot, some funny gardening chemicals (don't worry, no pesticides!), and UV light, I was able to get corpse flowers (rafflesia) to bloom around their heads. Because they smell so terrible, they've been established as outdoor dogs. They're generally nonviolent. A bioweapon.

No. 27 - Rockhopping Froglin

Nickname: Jeff (pronounced 'Geoff')

A mysterious frog-looking pug(??? pug-looking frog?) that attached itself to Kamikaze-kun's tongue during the pond incident. It was one of the only creatures that lived. I thought he was interesting, so I decided to keep him as a pet, only to find out how valuable he could be as a fighter. One breakfast morning, unprovoked, he hopped 10 feet in the air out of his terrarium (not open at the time) and landed deliberately on my face, latching violently. He began to bite, siphoning out 13 percent of my blood and sending me to the hospital for three weeks with frog poisoning. After this challenging experience, the doctors discovered in me a new disease that only spawns from this creature. I couldn't believe such a valuable bioweapon fell right into my lap, and I didn't even have to beg God for it. They still don't know how that poison's going to affect me long-term, by the way. I've been bleeding when I urinate ever since. I imagine that will continue.

Thank you for taking the time to read about my pugs. I will continue to add to this section, and you will make sure to come back.